Unlearning people-pleasing is a key step to becoming an authentic leader, which is common for those from cultures where being polite and keeping harmony are valued. It can also be a result of trauma, where fawning is another type of stress response in addition to the more commonly known fight, flight, and freeze responses.

I remember a time when a coworker had an angry, emotionally charged response because I had shared a concern about a project we were working on to our management chain. They made some hurtful accusations on the intent behind what I did. After reading the messages, I felt my body immediately swell up with anxiety. I reacted by calling them to apologize and clarify my intention, even though I knew that I didn’t do anything wrong.

After a discussion with my manager, I was told I did the right thing by raising my concerns. After telling him about this person’s reaction, he said it was unprofessional and that it may be due to their own insecurities about how they were handling the project. I realized my reactive response was a result of taking on responsibility for my coworker’s anger, but not a reflection of how I truly felt about my actions.

How I would handle a situation like that today is to pause, step away, and recognize if I’m taking on emotions that aren’t my own. Once I’ve had time to calm down and reflect, I can respond more thoughtfully rather than reactively. This shift from reactivity to thoughtful response is essential for leaders to show up authentically and set healthier workplace dynamics.

A common topic that comes up in my coaching work is changing jobs. In fact, recent surveys have shown that 6 out of 10 employees in the U.S. have said that they want a new job. Reasons include low pay, feeling undervalued, burnout, and limited growth opportunities. For employees from underrepresented groups, unfairness and mistreatment have also been shown as reasons for leaving a job.

Often, people coming to me are looking for advice on how to make the change before digging further into why they want to make the change in the first place. Without clarity, you may end up making a switch and still end up feeling miserable.

I had a client who was certain they wanted to make a job change and as soon as possible. After digging deeper, we uncovered that the source was really a feeling of being behind after seeing their peers on LinkedIn land seemingly amazing sounding job titles. This is generally a path for continued misery as there is no end to this kind of comparison trap.

I could relate to this struggle. I was once tempted by a job at a company that from outside, seemed like a no-brainer. “This would look amazing on my LinkedIn profile,” I thought. Fortunately, I realized that is not a good reason to take a job. After much reflection, I ended up not moving forward as I found that my reasons for taking the new position did not match what I truly wanted for my career. Coincidentally, a coworker of mine ended up moving to that same company, only to hate it and wanted to switch back.

As for myself, with the help of a coach and after much reflection, I got to the heart of what was making me unhappy with my job. I explored all my options, including changing jobs, and found that there was a much better solution that resulted in me staying in my current role. I negotiated my role and made my career goals more clear. A few months later, I was happier and more motivated in my job than ever before.

If you’ve been considering a job change, pause and reflect on why you want to make the change. What do you envision yourself doing a year from now? Is this what you truly want or is it because of external pressures? Write down your reasons for wanting a change and talk it through with someone you trust, or work with a career coach to gain clarity.

I recently read Asian American movie director Jon M. Chu’s memoir, Viewfinders, and in it he recalls a powerful moment on the set of Crazy Rich Asians. It’s the scene when Eleanor says to Rachel, “you will never be enough.” He recalls the power it had on set as it expressed how he and many of the crew members felt growing up and as Asian Americans navigating careers in Hollywood.

This resonated with me as I too have felt this throughout my life. This feeling inevitably showed up at work, manifesting as imposter syndrome. I recall a time earlier in my career when I was told I got a promotion and my reaction wasn’t of joy and celebration, but complete shock. I didn’t see it coming. I thought it was a mistake and that I didn’t deserve it.

Research has shown that BIPOCs tend to have higher rates of imposter syndrome. Add in the intersectionality of gender identity, sexuality, disability, and/or neurodiversity, and the feeling of not being enough is further amplified. Internally, this can appear as an inner voice that says we’re not good enough to achieve our goals and that we don’t deserve the successes we’ve had. These parts stem from oppressive systems, and not our true selves.

When you reflect on your own goals, what “not enough” messages do you hear that hold you back? Maybe it’s applying for a new position, asking for a raise or promotion, speaking up more in meetings, choosing the riskier path, or in my case, writing this blog. I’ve found that the best solution is to simply do it anyway.

I’m starting this blog because I believe everyone deserves a fair chance to succeed. No matter your gender identity, race, ethnicity, who you love, or how your brain works.

Early in my career, I was told by an ex-manager that I would never be a leader. I am “not like the other leaders,” he said. As he listed examples of people that I could never strive to be, I couldn’t help but notice that none of them looked like me. Or perhaps I cared too much about others, I wasn’t aggressive enough, or he had assumptions about my identity or ethnicity. Regardless of his reasons, it was discouraging to hear for someone who was just starting their career and used to being othered in many spaces.

Since then, I’ve fortunately had supportive managers and coaches who saw my potential and the strength in my differences. This allowed me to forge my own path in my career. As a leader of a talented, diverse team and a coach helping others navigate their leadership journeys, I’m starting this blog to share what I’ve learned. I hope my experiences can help others who have felt stuck in their careers because of their differences. This is more important than ever with workplace DEI efforts being under attack.

By the way, leadership is not exclusive to particular job titles or whether one has direct reports at work. Everyone can be a leader—it’s about confidently owning who you are, what you stand for, and shaping the world around you to be better than it was yesterday.

If you’ve stumbled upon this post, I’d love for you to join me on this journey of professional and personal growth. Let’s learn and lead together.